Feels like an oversimplification to say that, really. But I'm not sure what else I might call it.
I've got this feeling of ennui. A temporary stuckness that I know IS temporary but which nonetheless feels very permanent at the moment.
A recap - Nel just left earlier this week after spending the last few days at my mom's house recovering from stomach flu (talk about crap timing). I've been rejected from every job I've applied to so far, including the several for which I scored interviews. Today is Pi day, which is neat, though I currently lack the requisite pastry. I did HAVE a pastry, though.
I didn't really do much today. Got up kind of late, then talked to a friend who I've kind of thought of as a partner - though lately I feel that less. I thought we were pretty compatible but I think I'm too selfish for her. This is a me problem - though I admit I do get kind of annoyed with her. We've known each other for seven years and I still haven't seen her in-person. I've seen SEVERAL other online friends - all of whom I've known for less time - in person. Travel is kind of hard for her so it's not like...all her fault. But I've also paid for flights that then got cancelled for her, so...at some point it kind of feels like I'm just not a high enough priority.
I'm not really sure how to say that, or even if I should. It's complicated, you know? I want to be like...more considerate.
Before I continue, it's important to me to note that I'm listening to Vapid's "Nintendo Teatime Music" playlist on YouTube as I write this. I thought it might help my mood a little, which as I mentioned, is a bit infected with ennui at the moment.
I don't really feel like rehashing all my thoughts on my unemployment. It's been over a month, I know my financial status, I want to improve it, I want a JOB - and I want the freedom to travel and to explore and to eat without guilt. At the moment I don't have all of that. But it's okay. I mean. It's not great. But it definitely isn't the worst point in my life. I've been lower. Not that I'm offering to go BACK to that lower condition - ah but there I am, being superstitious. I don't really think that's how the universe works. God isn't that petty.
Speaking of God, I wonder how He's doing at the moment. I'd ask Him, but it feels like such a casual question for Someone on His level. It's like asking a kraken whether it -- scratch that metaphor. I'm not sure I could finish it without sounding like I was comparing God unfavorably to a giant squid which is uhhhhhh not the intention here.
It's weird being unemployed. Having a job is hard too but it provides a structure. Not having that (and not having enough money to embrace total improvisation either) is kinda challenging. Like, what do I do with this time?
Today my answer was "get up, roleplay online with the aforementioned maybe partner who I love but also think is kind of a coward, go outside, play Pokemon GO, talk to mom on the phone an hour, realize phone was dying, come back home, write this."
I suppose there are worse ways to spend one's time, right? I didn't actively hurt anyone that I'm aware of, and I didn't do anything to - Oh right! Speaking of Pokemon GO. Ha. Okay, so there was a Rocket Raid with Ralts. Sounds cool, right? I want a Ralts (or another one, anyway) - small problem. The raid was at Bruce Lee's grave.
Yeah.
I wonder why a cemetery is even an option for exploring while playing that game. Feels like an oversight, doesn't it? Like "Oh excuse me, don't let me interrupt your mourning. I just need to catch this virtual rodent real quick and I'll be out of your hair." Feels inappropriate, and I always assumed you could get your "area" excluded from the game if you asked. Maybe they don't know? Pokemon GO has been out for almost ten years after all. Which makes me feel kind of strange. I would have been around 20, and now I'm almost thirty. I was still in college then! Now I've been employed and unemployed twice since then. Last time it happened, Dad died. Well okay hang on, that makes it sound like correlation is causality. He passed away four months after I quit my previous job. The two things were unrelated.
Ugh. I've made myself sad just mentioning it. I miss him. I wish he were here. He'd at least have something concrete and encouraging to say. He had a way of making me feel at least reassured, if not altogether happy, when I was overwhelmed. Some kind words from him would mean the world to me right now.
Maybe I'm just lonely. I think that's part of it, everything seems better with friends, after all. I want to fly away and play with people and forget all my problems. Of course, that's not really how adult life works. I have to face my issues and admit what I can and cannot control - and I can't control whether I get hired. I can't control whether I get my unemployment. I can't control whether my 'partner' finally gets the courage to leave her crummy state and hang out with me. I have, in fact, only the control over my responses to these things. When I put it that way it seems very simple but also frankly a bit sad. I mean, I guess I have SOME agency but it makes some of my choices feel more like roulette wheel spins than like actual decisions with set outcomes.
I suppose that's where faith has to come in. Here I am trying very hard to be sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. Kind of an uphill battle even on my good days, so today it's harder. Doesn't mean it's not worthwhile, just that it's harder.
I wish I had a job. I really wish I wasn't thinking about being unemployed - but also...is it the end of the world? No, not really. I'm not in immediate danger. Sure, the current president is a fascist maniac bent on the collapse of Western civilization, people voted for him, and I'm legitimately considering whether leaving the country for residency is in my future, BUT. I do have a roof. And food. And I'm sure God is watching out for me, even though I currently can't see what He's doing. Patience is hard - and I'm hoping he's not planning on letting it get lots harder...but I can try to trust Him either way, right?
My mind is full of stuff all the time, so putting things down like this does help some. I think I can make good use of this time. I just want to be kinder to others. I...I wrote that on autopilot. But it's true. The world feels dark and scary and I just want to try to not make it worse.
I told mom her house makes me sad. It does. I wish she'd move. She lives in a dumpy colonial and I can't shake the feeling of responsibility for it. It's not on me, let's be clear. I'm just worried and I feel like I don't do enough for her. I hope I can get over that hangup - she's a full grown adult and I DO help her from time to time. It's not like I've let her down.
That's maybe my fear. That I'm somehow letting people down. That I'm failing to be anything like the person I should be. I have all these doubts from years and years of thinking I could rise to any challenge, and finding out I have limitations has been healthy, but it means that I often have this sensation of being insufficient...like I'm hurting people by not putting all of myself out to help them. But I am limited.
It's not *fun* to say that. But it's still the truth.
Maybe I can find some peace in that truth, instead of being upset at myself for it. I want to be kind. I want to be at peace. I want to trust God.
"Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!"
Other translations of this say things like 'keep me from pain' - which I would ALSO like. But I don't want to cause it. The world is hard enough.
God, I don't generally write requests to you...but like Jabez asked - please be present and constant - prevent me from damaging others - let me show kindness in distress - and handle my needs and yes even my wants so that I trust you, and so that I do not become overwhelmed with circumstances and villains that would take my hope and steal my joy. I know life is not a bowl of cherries, so see me through the pits. I want to thank you for blessings even on my hard days, so thank you for Your faithfulness. Thank you for caring. For listening. I know my heart is a mess. Thank you for loving it anyway.
In about forty minutes I'm planning to grab food at the Deluxe Bar and Grill. I think it'll be a nice finish to a strange, but not terrible day. But my prayer, my desire...it remains, cheeseburger or not. God, You are good in ways I'll never fully comprehend. I want to do well - I want to do good. I want to reflect You. I want to be cared for. I don't want to be unemployed or lonely - and it's hard to ask You for things sometimes because it can feel like that's all I do. But You did say I should ask, and so I ask.
You are God. I could never describe you in full, so instead I call You by Name and say that, flawed as I am, I love You. And I am so, so grateful that You love me back. You see my troubles - you know my struggles. I would of course like them to be gone, but however You aid me, please grant me courage and faith to trust You. Please help me be patient. Please take care of me. Thank you - in Jesus' name.
I have so much I want to do. Might as well enjoy the here and now though, right? I will not waste this moment, waiting for another.
Safe travels,
Cleo
Originally taken on February 13th, 2025. Right click and open image in new tab for full resolution.
