Well, it happened. I got laid off.
It's actually the first time. I've quit jobs, and been separated from jobs (graduation will do that), and I've had jobs end because of their associated projects being completed, but I've never been laid off proper.
The folks who did it suck.
But I'm not really sure I want to dwell on that. I think I just want to get my thoughts on some digital foolscap.
Foolscap. Does anyone still use that word? Well if not, they ought to. It's a fun word. Foolscap. Fools-cap.
Almost makes it sound like an idiot is writing. Hey wait a second.
I'm Cleo. This is my first attempt at journaling in years.
I'm a formerly proficient blogger. I have several years of online publications to my name, all hobbyist writing, covering topics like theology, personal preferences, theology again, ethics, Pokemon, theology...
Not all on the same platforms, of course.
If you're wondering, by the way, I'm not detailing my extensive writing experience for an audience's benefit. As far as I know, no one but me will ever read this. Or maybe it'll be scraped by some "AI" company's LLM and used in a ChatGPT response to make a bunch of software engineers feel smarter than they are about philosophy or something.
That doesn't really matter to me. I just want to write down what I think. Because I haven't done that in a while. So I mention my writing experience to remind myself that I know how to do this. I know how to say what I want to say, and how to be honest with myself on paper, even if I can't bring myself to speak out what I'm thinking all the time.
I have a way of thinking to myself by asking questions that I then answer with a yes or a no or even an 'idk' if I'm feeling real spicy.
Am I suicidal? No.
Am I right to be upset about something? Yes.
Am I exhausted? Idk.
These are rather simplified examples. Usually it goes something more like this:
Cleo got up today and walked to Volunteer Park, a neat park in Seattle with a tower, a conservatory, an Asian art museum, a tennis court, the worst public bathrooms of all time and a statue of a guy who she assumes helped design the park, but whose plaque she periodically forgets to read. She walked there because she is unemployed and has little else to do but apply for jobs (which she hates) and check her unemployment benefits (which she's currently not getting, leaving her in a financially more difficult situation). In other words, she walked there because right now she doesn't want to be inside her house, thinking about her situation, and because walking is good for you and she can pick up coffee along the way.
"I feel strangely dull today," she thinks to herself as she walks her rather eccentric circles around said park. "Am I numb to the fact the world around me seems to be getting objectively worse while I sit around hoping an employer will pick me out of the faceless throng for a position I may or may not actually enjoy?"
She ponders, then continues, to herself, because if she said this out loud she'd likely be taken for one of the addicts that often crowd Broadway in Capitol Hill, her neighborhood of choice, for better or worse.
"No. I am not numb. I am in fact very bothered by the billionaire oligarchy and fascist leadership trying to steer a global superpower into being an international bully (more than it already is) with absolutely no limits on what wealthy people can do. Moreover, I am discouraged by my lack of job, because it has been a little over a month, and I am not only still unemployed, but also, bafflingly, not being paid unemployment. So I understand why I do not feel happy - but why do I also not feel angry or sad or frightened?"
This line of thinking goes in wide circles and is often distracted by notifications from her phone. Or by passing wildlife. Or by flowers. Or by other pedestrians - etc. She doesn't have an amazing attention span. Who does? It's the era of Tiktok, and advertisers have done their darndest to eliminate what's left of our ability to focus.
In fact I have swapped away from this application several times in the process of writing this.
Also in case you're curious yes I am in fact switching between first and third person without any real thought. I will continue to do so, thank you for your understanding.
Anyways. My meandering point is that at some point on her walk Cleo concludes that if today is not a good day, it is at least also not a bad one. She decides that her frustrations are valid, concludes that she needs to continue praying about her fears and concerns, tells herself that all of it is going to work out somehow, and takes a deep breath before catching a Durant or some equally uninteresting Pokemon.
Cleo, as you may have guessed, is a fairly standard example of a sapient being.
Which is to say, I myself do not regard myself as particularly special. Now to be clear, I do not mean to denigrate myself when I say this. I simply mean that in terms of my talents, abilities, intelligence, and so on - I am not a superstar.
I used to want to BE a superstar, and sometimes I daydream about it, but I am not one, and I have made my peace, for the most part, with the idea that I'll never be famous, am unlikely to become especially wealthy, and have, overall, very little ability to control either my surroundings or, for that matter, much of what affects my life.
This is, incidentally, unsettling when I think about it for a very long time, so I try not to do so, and when I do I also try to remind myself that my faith dictates this is in fact a good thing.
I should mention I'm trans. I'm also a Christian. Yeah. It's about as fun as you're probably guessing it is.
I love Jesus but I have less than zero desire to be associated with the modern American 'church' as it is known. The Donald Trumpy christo-fascist movement that has bent the words of a Man I admire more than anyone else into a message of intolerance and hatred angers me with words that, unlike Jesus, I would gladly mix with a series of expletives long and varied enough to make a British newscaster blush.
Organized religion isn't my thing, which is awkward as hell because the whole idea of being a follower of Jesus is that you're ALSO supposed to have a functional community of fellow Jesus followers. Having been associated with many of those communities (and actively volunteered in the past, which was, I think, mostly an okay experience if you get past the fact that frankly most of it feels like working for free for a poorly disguised for profit and okay now that I'm saying it out loud uh heck that's not great), I'm kind of done with them for the foreseeable future.
I live in Seattle, which by metropolitan measurement was recently dubbed the national leader (tied with Portland) in agnostic/atheistic belief in the USA. What this means is there aren't a lot of churches around me, and I frankly don't have any interest in being near one anyway because it's impossible for me not to associate them with the movement that put a rapist in the White House and well if you happen to be a churchgoer who takes offense at that statement congrat-u-freaking-lations you are in fact part of the problem.
Anywho, where am I going with this? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Right. Journaling. I guess this counts as a first entry in my ramblings to no one in particular. I don't have a set trajectory for this, I think I'm mostly writing down how I feel and think and maybe in 20 years I'll look back at this and smile and shake my head a little at my naivete. Or maybe I'll be proud of what I wrote, or maybe I'll just admit that my own honesty with myself needed some work. Who knows! I sure don't, and guessing games annoy me. But I'm pretty confident that there's no harm in writing this all down because I want to be able to express myself and do so in a way that requires me to actually think about what I'm saying, which the internet often does not encourage.
I'm not going to pretend everything I write will be exciting. I'm probably gonna swear a little. I'm definitely going to complain some. But I'm also going to try to say something that I think is worth saying and reminding myself of positive things that make me want to be a better version of myself.
Because if I'm remembered for anything, I'd like to be remembered for being kind, and I've got a ways to go, as far as that metric is measured. So here's my journal. I sincerely hope that I somehow become a better me in the process of writing it.
Today's upbeat thing:
I ordered coffee and a day old pastry and the barista kindly gave me three of them because "I have to throw them out anyway otherwise." That was a complete surprise and I hope God blesses that coffee shop and that barista and that I also remember to be generous when it costs me nothing or even a little something. I think God was trying to remind me that He's still looking out for me even though things aren't amazing right now, and I appreciate it. I gotta stop measuring myself in terms of how close to good I can be for Him and just accept His goodness, which is so often on display.
Okay. I think that's it for today. Now to get this published somewhere. Maybe NeoCities? Idk. We'll find out.
Safe travels,
Cleo
Originally taken on March 1st, 2025. Right click and open image in new tab for full resolution.
